It Made Him Kind
by sCosplayChameleon
Summary: When Merrill crosses paths with a mysterious white-haired elf, she's thrown off guard by his reaction to her. Suddenly, she starts to see herself in a different light. AU very fluffy but also a bit heart-wrenching at moments.
1. Chapter 1

**It Made Him Kind is an AU where Fenris' personality was shaped completely differently by freedom from slavery. It is from Merrill's perspective and follows her inner monologue. This was intended as a one shot, but I am seriously considering writing more. If you would like that, please let me know! I am also writing another fanfic, Between Fear and Desire. It is FenrisxFemHawke and is updated every week. I hope you enjoy this!**

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I'm startled by the man I catch a glimpse of. He's rounding a corner in Hightown, he moves just out of my sight. I've never seen anyone so fascinating to look at. _Perhaps I was mistaken... a trick of the light?_ From what I saw, his hair looked bright white, almost supernaturally so, not like the elderly. There were strange designs on his arms and face, not vallaslin, something else. I scurry after him. _Please let me just catch one more glimpse!_ I peak my head around the corner and there he is. _I was right! Oh, how beautiful!_ His hair really is white. He's an elf just like me, but carries a huge sword on his back. I was on my way to do something, I can't remember what now, when I saw him and got distracted. The whitehaired man bends down to pet a stray dog. _How cute! He's stopped, I should go say hello! He can't be that much older than me... oh, but what if he doesn't like me?_ I hesitate, staring for just moment longer, then I stride over to him.

"Hello! My name's Merrill!" I say, my voice coming out far shriller than I intended. _Nerves stop that! It's not helping!_

He looks up at me quizzically and then stands, leaving the dog be. "Merrill? That's a sweet name. It matches your face." He gives me a slight smile. "I'm Fenris. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

 _That went better than I could have hoped!_ "Nice to meet you! Is this an agreeable dog?" I ask.

He chuckles. "I haven't known him long, but he doesn't seem too shifty."

"Well that's good. Some dogs are extremely shifty, they have those creepy black eyes." I scratch the dog behind the ears. "This one is cute though, he doesn't smell like a bog. So Fenris, I haven't seen you before, but I'm new here so that might be why. Anyways, what are you doing in Kirkwall?" I clasp my hands in front of me.

He looks down at his feet for a moment then back up to me, his face pensive. "I'm... more or less hiding out. I came here from Tevinter."

"Fascinating. Did you not like it there?" I ask him.

His brow knits. "No. I did not. If you want to vacation, go somewhere else." His eyes move to my staff and then quickly dart to my wrists. His face morphs into an unreadable expression. "Are... you a blood mage?"

 _Oh no. This never goes well. Please don't let him think any less of me._ "Um... Yes, but I'm not evil. I can control it! I promise!" I wring my hands.

For a moment, Fenris stares at me with his gorgeous deep green eyes. _He is handsome, isn't he? Why did he have to ask about my magic… that'll scare him off for sure…_

I can see his mind working before he speaks. "I can tell you aren't evil."

"I- wait what?" I pause. "You... aren't going to yell at me and tell me how foolish I am?"

He shakes his head. "No."

"Well, thank you? I must say, that's a first. But I think I deserve the yelling..." Hearing someone neither condone or condemn me makes me feel strange inside, like I'm missing a punishment that's overdue. _Even Hawke, Varric, and Isabela scold me for using it… what makes him so different?_

"No one deserves the yelling. I think I've taken enough for both of us." Fenris smiles at me; I can tell it's pained. "Why did you take up blood magic?"

"Because! I had to. I did it to help my people, not for my own power. I mean yes I had to become stronger in order to protect them but it _was_ to protect them!" I spout. _I must help him understand. He's taken it well so far, I can't throw him off now._

Nodding, Fenris says, "I see. Why are you not using it to help your people now?"

My eyes trace the ground at my feet. "They stopped trusting me. Didn't want me around because I consorted with 'demons.' I can't let myself believe that it was for nothing... the intention behind the choice has to be worth something. I'm still trying." My voice starts to fade from the sadness that begins to overtake me. _They have every right not to trust me… I should never have done it. I ruined what right I had to even be there, much less to be beloved by the clan, to become keeper._

"Why do you still practice now? If your purpose for it is gone, you could give it up." There is nothing accusatory in his words, just genuine interest, it's better than the way my closest friends handle it.

"Oh, but I can't..." I shake my head sorrowfully. "It's a part of who I am now. And I'm helping people here in Kirkwall, I'm a part of a team. We're making a difference. My blood magic is useful!"

"That might be true, but you don't need it to make a difference. I've seen plenty saved by the unexceptional. Just because something is 'a part of you' doesn't mean it has to define you." Fenris says seriously.

"What do you mean? I'm a blood mage, that's my title now, I'd say it defines me. It's too late to try and stop now, even if I wanted to." I frown. _He does have point though. Magic isn't a required skill._

"I disagree. Would you mind if I showed you something?" Fenris asks, his voice uncertain.

"Not at all. Please do." I give him the smallest of smiles.

Fenris grabs one of his gauntlets, pulls it off, and lays it on the ground.

 _What ever could he be doing?_

The marking from his arm cover his hand as well. He holds it up, flexes his fingers and the markings begin to glow blue.

"Oh!" I exclaim and take a step back. _How frightening!_

"Don't worry." He reassures me. Then he sticks his hand trough the stone wall, moving it back and forth without disrupting the structure.

My eyes widen and I gasp, dumbfounded.

"These markings were forcibly branded into my skin by my master when I was a slave in Tevinter. They're painful to the touch and their purpose is to allow me to rip the still beating hearts out of the chests of anyone I face in combat. They are 'a part of me,' yet I have refused to use them for anything more than this since my escape. I would certainly be more capable in battle if I used them, but I can't do it. They are too dirty, they aren't really me." He pulls his hand out of the wall and it rests at his side. "Now I don't presume to know you, but I get the feeling that blood magic doesn't feel right to you either."

My mind races from all he's just said. "I... This was done to you?" I cover my mouth in horror. "Someone kept you for a slave? How could anyone do something like that?"

He waves me away. "That doesn't matter. I'm free now. What's important is that I haven't let what was done to me ruin me. I don't want to see anything ruin you."

"But... it isn't the same..." My eyes begin to tear up. "This wasn't done to me. I did it... I chose this. I'm the one who has to live with that."

"You made a mistake, yes. But it isn't one that you can't repair." Fenris' eyes have hope in them, hope for me.

"With all that's happened... how are you so kind? And why to me?" I try to blink away my tears but one spills over.

Fenris steps forward and wipes it away from my cheek with his bare thumb. "I'm grateful for what I have now. Every bit. I can tell that you're hurting but that your heart is innocent. I want to help you escape the war with yourself that I am far too familiar with."

I can't find a word to say at first. My breath catches in my throat. When I can manage, "Thank you... I want that, I think... but I wouldn't know where to start. Will you be sticking around here? Would you possibly help me?" My voice shakes horribly but I mean what I say _. Oh please let him say yes. Maker, his soul is so genuine. I couldn't stand it if I never saw him again._

He gazes at me for second and then, "I'd like that. I haven't found my place here yet. Perhaps we could help each other." He smiles brightly and it's as if the world stops. It isn't a pity smile or a 'poor little Merrill, if only she wasn't a maleficar' smile. It's a true smile for me, for the Merrill he sees that I can be.

I return his smile. He picks up his gauntlet and then offers me his bare hand. I take it and as the markings on it begin to warm my own, I'm filled with more hope than I've had since I became a blood mage. _Maybe things really can be different for me. For us._


	2. Chapter 2

**There is more! Turns out I couldn't part with the idea for this one shot and there will be more on the way! I hope you love it!**

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We walk in silence for a while. I'm okay with this, but it's strange. I'm accustomed to someone talking most of the time. Isabela tells stories of her past, Hawke sasses everyone, Varric makes jokes, and Anders rambles about mages and his manifesto. Only when I'm alone with Aveline, which isn't often, is there any quiet, and I generally fill it with babble. Walking like this, holding Fenris' hand, leaves me with a dry mouth and no words to say, for some reason. I steal glances at him, when he's not paying attention. _Why is he so beautiful?_

"You're like a flower you know." I spout. I meant to think it, but it came out of my mouth.

Fenris snorts humorously. "What?"

"Not that you're delicate or weak or anything! Nothing like that! I just meant that you remind me of a particular flower." My hand starts to sweat; I pull it away and wipe it on my robes. _I shouldn't have said that. He's probably offended._

"And which flower would that be?" He smiles.

"It's a red one. It grows under thorns and in dry soil. It doesn't matter where you plant it, it'll grow. And it's always so beautiful. Most people never get to touch one because they are always in dangerous or hard to reach places. You remind me of that flower. Someone kept you like a pet. Life must have been so wretched. Yet you still grew, you took root under impossible circumstances. I'm so lucky to have run into you. People like you are far rarer than the flower." I pause. _I should stop there but…_ "And you're beautiful. You're so kind to me. But you're also nice to look at. Sorry I keep staring. It isn't because you're ugly! You most certainly are not!"

His face steels, not stern but very serious. "Merrill, you're a unique soul. If there is anyone else similar to you, I've never come in contact with them."

"Thank you? I'm strange I know. But what are you thinking? Your face is so serious." I ask him, not knowing how act.

Fenris stops walking and faces me. "I'm thinking, I wish I could hold your hand again. You aren't strange, you're perfect, and I don't want you to get away from me." He gives me an adorable half smile and winks.

Blood rushes into my cheeks, and there's no way he can't tell. _Me perfect? There's no way... but could he really see me that way? He's probably just being nice._ "My hands are all sweaty. You don't want to hold one."

"Actually, I very much do. But only if you wouldn't mind."

"Oh alright, it's just that, I never hold anyone's hand so I'm not used to it. I think my hands are nervous." I say somewhat shyly.

Fenris holds up his hand, the markings on both sides glowing brightly. "So is mine. At least yours doesn't do this."

"But that's pretty! I bet it really is at night. You're like a firefly." I reach out and run a finger down the center of his palm. "How interesting. I didn't notice so much, but they kind of make my fingers tingle when I touch them."

"Hmm... that's odd." He thinks for a moment. "I wonder if it's because you're a mage. That's probably what it is."

"Because I'm a mage?" I ask puzzled.

He nods. "It hasn't effected anyone else, that I know of, but they are lyrium. You must be especially receptive."

"How strange! My blood must sense it and be reacting." I pull my knife from my belt. "I wonder what will happen if-"

Fenris grabs my wrist, gently but firmly, stopping me from cutting myself. "Please don't. I realize you do it all the time, but I don't want to see you hurt yourself."

Ashamedly, I lower my knife and return it to my belt. _What was I thinking! We just went over my not needing blood magic! He must think me so stupid_. "I'm sorry. My curiosity got the best of me. I wasn't thinking."

"No need to apologize. It has been a part of who you are for a long time; it comes second nature to you. I'd just prefer you didn't do it in front of me." He says, his voice mild.

"Then I won't! I really do mean to try not to do it at all." I tell him earnestly. _It's not that I feel that I should change who I am for him, it's just that I... well, if I could trade one harmful part of my life to have someone who could love me, not that he ever would but it could happen, then I would gladly do it._ I reach out and hold his hand.

He smiles. "Do you live in Hightown?"

"Oh, no. I'm from the Alienage. I just wander up here from time to time." I shrug.

Fenris frowns. "I'm sorry. It's pretty rough there. I wish I could offer you a better place to stay, but I'm no better off. I hide out in Darktown; the rats there are as big as you."

"I know Darktown! My friend Anders has a clinic there. I've never seen a rat that big though. I suppose if I had, it would have eaten me."

He chuckles. "I was joking about the rats. I do believe I've met your friend though. I carried an injured child to a clinic there, I bet it was the same. Anders, did you say it was? He does good work, really helps people."

I perk up at this. "You've met? How wonderful! He's a great healer, and very passionate about mages. Doesn't like me much, on account of my being a blood mage though. But what can ya do."

"You still want to be his friend even though he doesn't like you?" Fenris asks, confused.

"Sure. I'm used to people not liking me. I can be annoying." I tell him. _I hope he understands that it is normal and doesn't dislike Anders for it._

Fenris moves his other hand to rest atop mine. "Please don't insult yourself. There are enough people in the world who will affront you with their words. If you say the same things, you let them win. They shouldn't, because the insults are lies. Someone, or multiple people, thinking something doesn't make it true. You're Merrill. You were created as such, that's all that matters."

"You, saying these things!" I chirp, blushing again. "Better stop or I'll have to ask you to run away with me. Not that I would really do that! What I mean is that I wish I could hear only your caring words."

He moves one of his hands away and we begin walking again. "I have already run away to get here. I would prefer to stay put for a little while." He chuckles. "I will walk you home though, and I would love to see you again if that would be alright."

"Oh yes please!" I grin brightly at him. _Thank the Maker. I really haven't scared him off! I don't deserve this, but I sure am grateful for it. Wait till I tell Hawke! Better keep Isabela away from him though. At least for now. Is that selfish? I'm probably selfish… Oh well, I'm too happy to care right now!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Writing this is bitter-sweet, I love this AU but it also makes me sad thinking about how different things would have been if they would have gone this way. I hope you enjoy this nice break from cannon!**

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Sweat covers my body. The demon has me cornered. It's a huge gnarly beast with twisted horns and a nasty snarl. _I've never seen one so frightening before! Why is it like this? Why do they always want to kill me?! I haven't done anything wrong!_ The demon rams me with its shoulder, and I crash to the ground. I feel my hip crack under the impact and then all I can do is crawl.

"Get away from me! I won't give in to you!" I scream through my tears, gritting my teeth.

The demon laughs loudly and stomps on my foot breaking it. I scream in pain and drag myself along the ground with only my arms. "You will! Stupid girl! You could never be that strong! You have never been before!"

I squeeze my eye shut and try to not hear its words. _I am strong. I am. Oh but the pain! No! I will resist!_ The demon's hands wrap around my throat, and I start sobbing hysterically.

"Just kill me! Do it! I won't make a deal with you!" I yell.

"You already have! I'm just collecting."

 _Why did I do it?! Why couldn't I have come up with another solution and never turned to blood magic?!_

Then the hands are on my shoulders, and I wonder if it's about to bite me. The hands shake my body.

"Merrill! Merrill! Wake up!"

My eyes snap open, and I'm in my room. Fenris is clutching me to his chest. My breath is ragged and both my sheets and I are drenched in sweat. _Why can't I stop having theses dreams?! It's been a month, haven't I suffered enough?!_ I turn and burry my face in Fenris' chest. My tears run down my face, hot on my cheeks. He pets my matted hair.

"Shhh... it's alright Amatus. You're safe, I have you." Fenris presses a kiss to my forehead.

"It isn't alright... they aren't going away... The longer I go without..." I scratch at my wrist; it's been almost thirty days since I've last slit it. My blood burns in my veins, begging me to release it. My fingernails have dug wounds into my forearms trying to stifle the itch and pain. I don't have to look into a mirror to know how sickly I appear. My eyes are sunken and my cheeks hollow "Oh Fenris... I don't know if I'm strong enough..." My body shakes profusely and so does my voice. "They aren't just dreams. You know the demons are real..."

Fenris scoots back on my bed and grips my shoulders, making me look at him. "Merrill, a month is a very long time. You've already proven that you are strong enough. It's a difficult fight, but not one you can't win." He moves a hand to my jaw and runs thumb across my cheek, collecting tears. "I'm proud of you and how hard you've been trying. You'll beat this. Just think, soon the demons won't have power over you. The longer you go without enlisting their help, the weaker their hold on you grows."

 _They would probably have come for me like this in a few years anyway if I kept using their help._ I press my face against his hand, reveling in the comforting hum of his markings. "Thank you for waking me. I'm sorry that I always disturb your sleep. You really don't have to stay with me." I frown. Ever since I stopped using blood magic and started having the nightmares he's been living with me. I feel much safer with him here. It's also a comfort to know he's out of the streets of Darktown. He sleeps on a thin mat several feet away from my bed. I've begged him to take the bed and let me have the mat, but he refuses. I've been too shy to ask him to share the bed with me. He would never bring it up, he's too much of a gentleman. I wish he would though; I love having his strong arms around me.

"Nonsense. I want to be here. I don't sleep much anyway." Fenris smiles kindly at me.

I slide to the side and lay down facing him. He mirrors me. Gazing into his eyes is always fascinating. There are so many emotions and thoughts hiding behind them that I long to see. Being next to him, feeling his presence, calms me. _It's as if I'm a child and he's my hand to hold. I am like a child, weak and helpless._ I shiver thinking about what would happen to me if he didn't stay with me.

Fenris runs his hand down my arm until the goose bumps dissipate. "Are you cold? You should get under the blankets."

"I'm not. It's just my fear. My sweatiness doesn't help ether I'm sure." I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand; I never use my fingers or palm because I've grown accustomed to them being caked with blood.

"I wish I could defend you from your dreams." Fenris' face is sad, but I can tell he's furious at the demons.

"You do." I smile slightly. "You wake me up and keep me breathing. I can't think of anything more helpful."

He nods. "I'm glad I can help."

I shake the lingering thoughts and fears from my head. _It's over. It was just another night. And I survived it. Just like I'll survive all the rest, with Fenris at my side._

My eyes trace his face, hair, and ears. With difficulty, I stop them from wandering over the rest of him. _I wonder what he's thinking laying here with me. In my bed. I know I look disgusting, and I'm never very attractive when I'm not a mess, but does his mind ever race thinking about me the way mine does thinking about him?_ Before I can take a breath to clear my head, the words come out, "When you kiss my forehead... do you... well, do you ever want to kiss me more than that? You know like my lips? I mean not that I... never mind, forget that I said anything." _Good going Merrill, you'll scare him off for sure. Why can't I be suave like Isabela? I'm so plain and awkward…_

Fenris chuckles. "Of course. There are few pleasures greater than talking with a beautiful woman; but I would have to add kissing one to the list."

My heart starts beating faster. _I love it when he calls me beautiful! Even if it isn't true. I haven't ruined it! He isn't mad at all! Oh my..._ "Well... you can kiss me. If you would like to of course."

He smiles bigger, hesitating for a moment. "Would you like that? Would it make you feel better?"

I nod vigorously. _He's so beautiful! Please let him kiss me!_

Fenris closes the gap between us slowly and presses his lips to mine. As he moves his head away, "You taste like tears."

I take a breath, my head spinning. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to... I was just crying before..." _Did he not like it? He didn't like it… I don't know what I am doing. Oh, but he certainly does. That was so wonderful. I'm probably the worst kiss he's ever had._

"Shhh... don't apologize. I was joking." He brings his lips to mine once again and pulls me closer.

I kiss him back, trying not to let my greedy lips take more than they give. _I was wrong! I can't believe he's really kissing me again!_ After a few moments, I pull back just slightly and kiss the markings right under his lips causing them to light up. _His tattoos are so bright and pretty._ _I like the way they tingle when I touch them._

He scoots back and rests his head on the bed again. "That was nice. Thank you."

"You're welcome! I liked kissing you very much. Your lips are soft, and your markings taste good. I hope that isn't weird to say." I curl up, pulling my knees to my chest and peaking over them at Fenris.

"That's good I suppose." He snorts with humor.

I smile, my stomach full of butterflies. _Now don't say anything else. Just enjoy it._

We sit in silence for a while, just looking at each other. After a bit, he breaks it. "Are you ready to go back to sleep?"

My forehead crinkles. "Kind of…"

"What's wrong?" He raises an eyebrow.

I bite my lip for a moment deciding if I should say anything. "I don't want you to go back to the mat… do you think we could both sleep here?" _There. I'll never know if I don't ask._

Fenris looks thoughtful. "We could. I'll stay here with you, I don't mind."

"Thank you." I try to keep my face from showing how ecstatic I am at his answer.

I crawl to the top of the bed and pull the covers back, sliding under them. Fenris joins me and puts his arm around my shoulders. I snuggle against his chest, listening to sound of his heart. "I feel much safer now. Who would dare try to invade my dreams with you here? Only stupid demons and I think I can handle them."

Fenris chuckles. "Well, good." He plays with a piece of my hair. "Is this just for tonight?"

I pause. "I don't know… I suppose that depends. Are we a couple now? Would you like to be? It's okay if you wouldn't, I understand. But I really like you, and I liked kissing you, and I'd like for you to share the bed with me." _Why is this so stressful? I just want to be wanted by him so much._

"It would be an honor to be in a relationship with you. I've grown quite fond of you Merrill. And I can't say didn't like kissing you as well." Fenris rests his chin on the top of my head.

"I can't tell you how happy that makes me!" I grin broadly as I close my eyes. _Don't even think about it demons. Nothing you could do could ruin this night._


End file.
